All Is Well

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One woman in four will experience domestic violence at some point in her lifetime and two women are killed each week in England and Wales by a current or former partner.

In February I will be walking 56 miles to raise funds and awareness for Refuge.

I’ve never shared this story publicly before, but as this is the place I seem to come these days, I’ll just give you the headlines.

For 8 years, I was in a relationship with a man who was a controlling bully. I was married to him for 5 of those years before I had the courage to walk away, and I left with nothing but my then 10-year-old son (not his father, thankfully!) and a bin liner full of our clothes.

During those years, he tore me apart with his words. He gaslighted me, ghosted me, bullied me and more hurtfully he didn’t speak to my son for 5 years.

It was lovely in the beginning, which I now recognise as the ‘love-bombing’ phase. I recently read a book by Professor of Public Protection at University of Gloucester, Jane Monckton Smith – In Control and I can say hand on heart that if I hadn’t left when I did, I would now be yet another tragic statistic.

Jane Monckton Smith is behind The Homicide Timeline, an eight stage ‘road map’ that sets out how a controlling relationship can lead to homicide. It is currently being used by police forces nationwide. In my situation, we reached Stage 6: A change in thinking. We had separated at this point and he became a stalker; turning up at my work place with flowers, he found out where I had moved to and would turn up late at night, often drunk. He would call me at all hours with excuses why he needed to see me (getting locked out of the house which we still jointly owned was a favourite). When he didn’t get the response he wanted (as in I didn’t react or go running to his side) he got verbally abusive with family members and even work colleagues. Thankfully, he eventually gave up when he met someone else.

I had counselling twice a week for two years before I could build any semblance of a normal life for me and my boy. I’m glad I did. It made me realise that I am a good person, that I’m not the crazy, selfish, paranoid lunatic he made me believe I was. I turned 51 in January; I left him in 2002, so this December (8th) will make it twenty years since we left and I still (though rare) have flashbacks in certain situations. I’m still learning about me, I’m still growing and I am a very different person or perhaps I’m the person I was always meant to be. I’ve learned to love myself so that I can allow others to love me. I trust my instincts. I have a strong set of values that I honour and live by. I met a new man ten years ago who rebuilt my faith in men and who I love deeper than I have loved any man (apart from my boy of course!).

Recently, after the last couple of years and all that has entailed, I could feel myself slipping backwards. The cancer diagnosis obviously knocked my confidence, losing the hearing in my right ear in 2018 and having to wear hearing aids didn’t do much for my ego and more recently losing my darling dad all added up to an existence that didn’t amount too much. Of course, we were all in the same boat thanks to ‘Rona but as restrictions on the nation lifted, I decided I needed to lift some of my own restrictions too. I’m still cautious about busy coffee shops and shopping centres but I can walk. Not far, and not for long, but I can definitely walk further thanks to the steroids I’m being pumped with every week so when I came across an online advert for Refuge I thought – why the hell not? And when I realised it was twenty years then, hell yeah – what better way to show my support.

If you would like to support me, you can do so here >> https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/cat-yaffe or if you’re on Facebook the page to donate is here https://www.facebook.com/donate/423611256174136

With every step I take throughout February, I will think of those women (and men) who haven’t had the chance I have had. Who, for whatever reason can’t escape. I hope that by raising awareness and talking openly about my experience it might just help at least one person realise that there is another way. A better way. And there is hope. Just reach out. A phone call, a click on the website – all the details are below. Please share and let’s change the appalling statistics.

No one should live in fear or be afraid in their own home.

https://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
or visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk (access live chat Mon-Fri 3-10pm)

Finally, if you have already supported me (even just a share of this blog post, the Facebook page or the Just Giving link) then from the very bottom of my heart, thank you.

Today is treatment 4 of 9. That came round quick didn’t it? I’ve not been too bad. Fatigue has been the major factor (hence no updates) and we lost my dad on 20th December so I’ve been a bit shell shocked to be honest. It was expected and he really struggles in his final days so I take comfort in that he is now finally at peace.

I’ve managed to create some ‘Shed’ time too so I’m back into the routine of writing which feels bloody marvellous!

The chemo all feels a bit relentless at the minute. Though the treatment itself takes a couple of hours I can be at the hospital for 6 or 7 hours at a time due to delays. I take a book and my headphones with me but it makes it a very long day.

I was moved onto weekly treatments in December as the 3 weekly was just too strong for me and my platelets weren’t recovering in time. Weekly is way better and the side effects have been minimal, even the nausea has lessened – whoop.

I’m getting used to having no hair. I’ve been having fun with hats and scarves (check out my Instagram for the latest look 😂).

It was my birthday yesterday (10th) and I had a lovely day out walking with my favourite pooch, Milo ♥️ He’s the best therapy ever!!

So until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.

Love & Light

Cat

You will lose your hair if you’re having Chemotherapy. There’s no getting around it (unless you opt for a cold cap, which I haven’t). It was the first thing that was said to me and it was the hardest thing for me to accept.

I don’t have a massive amount of hair, I’ve rocked the pixie cut for years as my hair is fine and it doesn’t really suit me any other way. But it’s my hair. Cancer has interrupted my life on so many levels, must it take my hair as well?

I’ve wrestled with this so much. I’ve cried, I’ve sulked, ranted, complained. I’ve asked the Universe for guidance. I’ve asked how can I see this differently?

And on Sunday I had my answer.

I’d been ‘called’ to go for a walk since Friday but I’d pushed it to one side until Sunday afternoon when I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I took my ear plugs, opened podcasts with no particular one in mind and to my surprise it was highlighting a podcast by Oprah ‘Super Soul’. She was chatting with the author of The Alchemist and I felt it was right for me to press play. It was so interesting, and I found myself nodding along with a lot of what was said.

Suddenly, the word ‘ego’ cropped up in my mind and less than a minute later, the author started talking about fear and how the ego will block your thought process and hinder the clarity that you’re looking for.

It was a huge revelation for me on 2 levels. Firstly, the word Ego just coming to mind – WTF?

The reason I was struggling with my hair loss was my ego blocking my thought process. It was my ego that was resisting change; would people laugh and point? Would my head look weird? Will I feel insecure? Will people judge me, pity me?

What I needed to do was to acknowledge that my ego didn’t get a say here. What DID and does get a say is my level of gratitude and appreciation.

LOSING MY HAIR MEANS THE TREATMENT IS WORKING.

LOSING MY HAIR MEANS I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO PROLONG MY LIFE.

Did losing a scruffy mop of hair outweigh being around to see my son continue his own journey? Was being around to play with Milo and meeting my grandbabies more important than hair that would, eventually grow back anyway? Wasn’t enjoying a retirement travelling the world with my husband more important??

DAMN RIGHT??!!

So today is the big day. It’s already dropping out in handfuls, and honestly? I can’t wait to get rid. It’s itchy, it’s all over my pillow and it’s driving me insane!

My amazing hairdresser has loaned me his clippers, and Dan is coming round later today for the big shave. I might even film it, you never know.

So if you’re on this journey, I really hope more than anything this post helps you view hair loss differently. I hope it gives you a bit more confidence. Please do leave a comment below if it’s helped you in someway, I’d love to hear from you.

It’s hard to say how I feel in all honesty. Today (Saturday) has been the hardest day simply because we had to head up to mum & dads. For a bit of background, mum has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s whilst dad is receiving end-of-life care at home for heart failure. This has been going on for a while (since end of June), and thankfully I was able to get a mix of NHS and private paid health care in place before my treatment began. So this morning my son, Daniel was taking his turn in helping out with his grandparents but he had to take Milo with him, and as much as Milo is a good boy it can be a stressful environment at the best of times. Throw in the fact that Dan broke his foot a couple of weeks ago!! Seriously, you couldn’t make up this shit! Anyway, Mark and I headed up to give Dan a break and took over for a while. This is when it hit me that I’m not myself at all. I’ve been lucky (incredibly, stupidly lucky and forever grateful) that when I’m at home and throughout treatment I don’t need to work. I can put my needs first, sit, rest and do what my body needs so today was a bit of shock to the system. Dashing up and downstairs. ‘Doing’ mums hair, organising lunch, even the mental strain of keeping up with mums bat shit crazy world were all thoroughly draining.

I felt/ feel very discombobulated 😕 It’s probably easier to list;

– Nauseous 🤢 constant feeling of being on a boat.

– Tired physically but also quite ‘antsy’ as in restless and twitchy.

– Spaced out. It’s obvious I have poison running through my system and I feel once removed from myself!

I must remember that this isn’t my new ‘normal’ but I must also not chase the feeling of what is ‘normal’ just yet. I have only just started this process. I am only 5 days in. Compared to how I will be, today is more than likely a bloody good day!

So for the rest of today I’m checking out, knitting & scoffing popcorn 🍿

Week One nearly over, one session of 6 done ✅