Posted in General Ramblings

A week into round #1

It’s hard to say how I feel in all honesty. Today (Saturday) has been the hardest day simply because we had to head up to mum & dads. For a bit of background, mum has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s whilst dad is receiving end-of-life care at home for heart failure. This has been going on for a while (since end of June), and thankfully I was able to get a mix of NHS and private paid health care in place before my treatment began. So this morning my son, Daniel was taking his turn in helping out with his grandparents but he had to take Milo with him, and as much as Milo is a good boy it can be a stressful environment at the best of times. Throw in the fact that Dan broke his foot a couple of weeks ago!! Seriously, you couldn’t make up this shit! Anyway, Mark and I headed up to give Dan a break and took over for a while. This is when it hit me that I’m not myself at all. I’ve been lucky (incredibly, stupidly lucky and forever grateful) that when I’m at home and throughout treatment I don’t need to work. I can put my needs first, sit, rest and do what my body needs so today was a bit of shock to the system. Dashing up and downstairs. ‘Doing’ mums hair, organising lunch, even the mental strain of keeping up with mums bat shit crazy world were all thoroughly draining.

I felt/ feel very discombobulated 😕 It’s probably easier to list;

– Nauseous 🤢 constant feeling of being on a boat.

– Tired physically but also quite ‘antsy’ as in restless and twitchy.

– Spaced out. It’s obvious I have poison running through my system and I feel once removed from myself!

I must remember that this isn’t my new ‘normal’ but I must also not chase the feeling of what is ‘normal’ just yet. I have only just started this process. I am only 5 days in. Compared to how I will be, today is more than likely a bloody good day!

So for the rest of today I’m checking out, knitting & scoffing popcorn 🍿

Week One nearly over, one session of 6 done ✅

Grandma & her grand puppy 💕❤️
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Raspberry Beret

and ‘officially’ cancer free 🎉

I knew when we were sitting in the waiting room that it was going to be good news. I’d asked the Universe for a sign and had received nothing, then suddenly they were everywhere.

A car parking space.

4:44

Positive messages on socials

Prince playing in the waiting room, followed by Madonna and Holiday!

I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort and relief, bathed in a warm glow that physically made me sigh deeply. I felt gratitude on a profound level. I could feel tears building, and a catch in my throat.

Then we were called in.

I have said this before and I will shout it from every rooftop. The NHS staff, from the ported to the consultant oncologist have been outstanding. This day was no exception. Mr Trainor, Sebastian, my oncologist was bursting to read the results of the bone and various CT scans. He was as choked as me and my husband were when he raced though the summary and declared me cancer free. We hugged. We cried.

I have beaten cancer.

No, the wonderful medical team and I have beaten cancer.

I still have one of hell of a journey ahead of me.

6 months aggressive chemo (1 session every 3 weeks to give my body chance to recover).

4 weeks of radiotherapy (8 weeks after last chemo session).

Medically induced menopause throughout.

Hormone treatment ongoing.

And all the side effects that will bring and entail.

I won’t lie, I’m scared but I’m taking a lot of time for self care. I’m strengthening my mindset and focusing on the good, joyful things I have in my life.

I will get through this, one day at a time.

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Hair Loss 😢

It’s the one thing I am really struggling to get my head around. I’m not sure why, it’s not like I have luscious long flowing locks. Nope, had a pixie cut for years because my hair is so fine it’s impossible to have it in any other style. But this has been really bothering me.

I want to embrace it, waltz into the hairdressers (Scott Banks, Wakefield highly recommend!) and ‘do a Brittany’ but it’s so hard. It’s part of my identity isn’t it? It’s how people recognise you.

Anyway, was texting with the boy about it and I received this message back ❤️ I mean 🥲 how bloody lucky am I?

❤️❤️❤️

I know how it will go. I’ll turn to the Universe for guidance and it will be ‘Go all in, throw a party, take your gang and go wig shopping then have a slap up lunch somewhere really posh with cocktails and the works’.

Hmmm 🤔 maybe, watch this space cos I’ll need to act fast, first chemo session is in 17 days!

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Was it me?

Was it something I did? Did I party too hard when I was younger? Did I drink too much? Did I smoke too much? Did I not exercise enough? Eat enough healthy food? Sunbathe too much?

Was I a bad MoFo in another life?

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Mind…… blown 🤯

Information overload at today’s oncology appointment. We we’re going through treatment plans but wow – I’m going to need a week or two to digest everything and read all the information I was given!

So 19 lymph nodes were removed, 6 were cancerous.

It’s no longer a grade 1 but now a grade 2.

I’ll need 6 months of chemo in 3 week cycles, starting 18th October. I will lose my hair.

I’ll need 4 weeks for radiotherapy x 5 days a week.

I’ll need some kind of hormone treatment as I’m pre menopausal & chemo will push me through the menopause.

It’s going to be a long, harsh winter I feel 😢

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#2 Rogue Lymph Node Removal

I mean, it was to be expected really because, well it’s me after all.

I’ve lost count of the number of ear operations I’ve had because the first one didn’t work. Didn’t think it would apply to boobs too!

It’s quite a lucky op to be honest. A couple of weeks after ‘the big one’ I found what I thought was another new lump and it was whilst this was being investigated that they found the ‘rogue’ lymph node so thank goodness I got it checked out.

So once this op is over and I’ve recovered we’ll be on to CT scans on Monday 4th October and I already have my date to start chemotherapy but more about that in another post, right now I’m needed for surgery!

Cat x