Posted in General Ramblings

Hair Loss

You will lose your hair if you’re having Chemotherapy. There’s no getting around it (unless you opt for a cold cap, which I haven’t). It was the first thing that was said to me and it was the hardest thing for me to accept.

I don’t have a massive amount of hair, I’ve rocked the pixie cut for years as my hair is fine and it doesn’t really suit me any other way. But it’s my hair. Cancer has interrupted my life on so many levels, must it take my hair as well?

I’ve wrestled with this so much. I’ve cried, I’ve sulked, ranted, complained. I’ve asked the Universe for guidance. I’ve asked how can I see this differently?

And on Sunday I had my answer.

I’d been ‘called’ to go for a walk since Friday but I’d pushed it to one side until Sunday afternoon when I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I took my ear plugs, opened podcasts with no particular one in mind and to my surprise it was highlighting a podcast by Oprah ‘Super Soul’. She was chatting with the author of The Alchemist and I felt it was right for me to press play. It was so interesting, and I found myself nodding along with a lot of what was said.

Suddenly, the word ‘ego’ cropped up in my mind and less than a minute later, the author started talking about fear and how the ego will block your thought process and hinder the clarity that you’re looking for.

It was a huge revelation for me on 2 levels. Firstly, the word Ego just coming to mind – WTF?

The reason I was struggling with my hair loss was my ego blocking my thought process. It was my ego that was resisting change; would people laugh and point? Would my head look weird? Will I feel insecure? Will people judge me, pity me?

What I needed to do was to acknowledge that my ego didn’t get a say here. What DID and does get a say is my level of gratitude and appreciation.

LOSING MY HAIR MEANS THE TREATMENT IS WORKING.

LOSING MY HAIR MEANS I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO PROLONG MY LIFE.

Did losing a scruffy mop of hair outweigh being around to see my son continue his own journey? Was being around to play with Milo and meeting my grandbabies more important than hair that would, eventually grow back anyway? Wasn’t enjoying a retirement travelling the world with my husband more important??

DAMN RIGHT??!!

So today is the big day. It’s already dropping out in handfuls, and honestly? I can’t wait to get rid. It’s itchy, it’s all over my pillow and it’s driving me insane!

My amazing hairdresser has loaned me his clippers, and Dan is coming round later today for the big shave. I might even film it, you never know.

So if you’re on this journey, I really hope more than anything this post helps you view hair loss differently. I hope it gives you a bit more confidence. Please do leave a comment below if it’s helped you in someway, I’d love to hear from you.

I woke up like this!
Posted in General Ramblings, Products that have helped

Super Thursday 28th October 2021

Reader, I was on FIRE

I actually made a little video which I’ll upload later, but I wanted to share my epic day with you. Even though it’s over a week ago, I’m still thinking about it!

I woke, scrolled through my phone (as usual), jumped in a shower – all relatively normal, then BOOM – I felt a surge of something; adrenaline maybe? Just the sheer joy of being alive? Ok, so it was more than likely the steroids, but I felt amazing!

I hit the Shed (of Words, I’m a writer and co-own a publishing company) at around 7:30am (unheard of) with absolute crystal clear clarity of what I was going to work on, laser sharp focus (no doom scrolling), and an energy that I hadn’t felt for YEARS! I bloody loved it. I knew it was temporary. I had been warned but for those 24 hours I felt better, healthier, more alive and alert than ever.

(When I’m not fighting with cancer treatment, I’m also a Fibro Warrior (Fibromyalgia, 19 years diagnosed) and Chronic Fatigue, so you see, having energy is a constant battle and I can sleep up to 17 hours a day.)

It gave me a level of optimism that has stayed with me. I’m still being kind and gentle with myself, but it made me realise that when all this is over I can go back to focusing on beating Fibro and CFS.

More importantly it’s given me the confidence that I can go back to writing the books I love, some thing I thought I had lost when I heard the word cancer.

Here’s the video link in case you’re interested. I also recommend a few products that I love and that have really helped me (I wasn’t paid or anything, just want to share the love.)

Posted in General Ramblings

A week into round #1

It’s hard to say how I feel in all honesty. Today (Saturday) has been the hardest day simply because we had to head up to mum & dads. For a bit of background, mum has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s whilst dad is receiving end-of-life care at home for heart failure. This has been going on for a while (since end of June), and thankfully I was able to get a mix of NHS and private paid health care in place before my treatment began. So this morning my son, Daniel was taking his turn in helping out with his grandparents but he had to take Milo with him, and as much as Milo is a good boy it can be a stressful environment at the best of times. Throw in the fact that Dan broke his foot a couple of weeks ago!! Seriously, you couldn’t make up this shit! Anyway, Mark and I headed up to give Dan a break and took over for a while. This is when it hit me that I’m not myself at all. I’ve been lucky (incredibly, stupidly lucky and forever grateful) that when I’m at home and throughout treatment I don’t need to work. I can put my needs first, sit, rest and do what my body needs so today was a bit of shock to the system. Dashing up and downstairs. ‘Doing’ mums hair, organising lunch, even the mental strain of keeping up with mums bat shit crazy world were all thoroughly draining.

I felt/ feel very discombobulated 😕 It’s probably easier to list;

– Nauseous 🤢 constant feeling of being on a boat.

– Tired physically but also quite ‘antsy’ as in restless and twitchy.

– Spaced out. It’s obvious I have poison running through my system and I feel once removed from myself!

I must remember that this isn’t my new ‘normal’ but I must also not chase the feeling of what is ‘normal’ just yet. I have only just started this process. I am only 5 days in. Compared to how I will be, today is more than likely a bloody good day!

So for the rest of today I’m checking out, knitting & scoffing popcorn 🍿

Week One nearly over, one session of 6 done ✅

Grandma & her grand puppy 💕❤️
Posted in Uncategorized

Raspberry Beret

and ‘officially’ cancer free 🎉

I knew when we were sitting in the waiting room that it was going to be good news. I’d asked the Universe for a sign and had received nothing, then suddenly they were everywhere.

A car parking space.

4:44

Positive messages on socials

Prince playing in the waiting room, followed by Madonna and Holiday!

I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort and relief, bathed in a warm glow that physically made me sigh deeply. I felt gratitude on a profound level. I could feel tears building, and a catch in my throat.

Then we were called in.

I have said this before and I will shout it from every rooftop. The NHS staff, from the ported to the consultant oncologist have been outstanding. This day was no exception. Mr Trainor, Sebastian, my oncologist was bursting to read the results of the bone and various CT scans. He was as choked as me and my husband were when he raced though the summary and declared me cancer free. We hugged. We cried.

I have beaten cancer.

No, the wonderful medical team and I have beaten cancer.

I still have one of hell of a journey ahead of me.

6 months aggressive chemo (1 session every 3 weeks to give my body chance to recover).

4 weeks of radiotherapy (8 weeks after last chemo session).

Medically induced menopause throughout.

Hormone treatment ongoing.

And all the side effects that will bring and entail.

I won’t lie, I’m scared but I’m taking a lot of time for self care. I’m strengthening my mindset and focusing on the good, joyful things I have in my life.

I will get through this, one day at a time.

Posted in Uncategorized

Hair Loss 😢

It’s the one thing I am really struggling to get my head around. I’m not sure why, it’s not like I have luscious long flowing locks. Nope, had a pixie cut for years because my hair is so fine it’s impossible to have it in any other style. But this has been really bothering me.

I want to embrace it, waltz into the hairdressers (Scott Banks, Wakefield highly recommend!) and ‘do a Brittany’ but it’s so hard. It’s part of my identity isn’t it? It’s how people recognise you.

Anyway, was texting with the boy about it and I received this message back ❤️ I mean 🥲 how bloody lucky am I?

❤️❤️❤️

I know how it will go. I’ll turn to the Universe for guidance and it will be ‘Go all in, throw a party, take your gang and go wig shopping then have a slap up lunch somewhere really posh with cocktails and the works’.

Hmmm 🤔 maybe, watch this space cos I’ll need to act fast, first chemo session is in 17 days!

Posted in Uncategorized

Was it me?

Was it something I did? Did I party too hard when I was younger? Did I drink too much? Did I smoke too much? Did I not exercise enough? Eat enough healthy food? Sunbathe too much?

Was I a bad MoFo in another life?